Star Wars: The SitCom
by Fettkat
Summary: Yep. It's finally happened. Star Wars as a sitcom. Episodes involving Star Wars characters that will make you LOL! Rated for.. well, sitcom humour!
1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

Ok, so yeah, I've had this idea buzzing in my ear for a while now, just hadn't sat down and come up with anything concrete till now to get it off the ground. Even though I've written a number of funny one-shots and labelled them as parts of a "sitcom", I still wanted to do a thread devoted exclusively to wacky, hilarious situations involving the EU Star Wars characters. I'm a huge fan of sitcoms and, next to Star Wars, they're my most inspirational source for writing.

Now, be warned, expect the unexpected in this series! Sorta along the lines of a Star Wars meets That 70's Show/ Two and a Half Men/ The Big Bang Theory/ Friends/ Glee and other popular sitcoms.

* Chuck Lorre, I'm waiting for your call! ;P *

I shall be following no continuity and possibly deviating heavily from canon. Dead characters may be revived unexpectedly. This is just for comic effect, so I shall not be expounding lengthy explanations for such!

The stories will be written in the present tense as these are meant to be considered as "episodes" in a "show".

Feel free to invent a "sitcom theme" in your own head to play along with the given cue!

I solemnly promise to update these as and when new ideas strike.

Disclaimer Time:

Mine Star Wars is not. Wish I do otherwise it was. Give cookie I will to Disney and GL in their playground for letting me play.

Aaaaand... *Drumroll please*...

FETTKAT PRODUCTIONS proudly presents... [Go on, click Next!]


	2. Episode I: Sisters

_**A/N: Many thanks to GravityNeko and lifeofstarwars for beta-ing and feedback. It's finally up, guys!**_

Two young men climb out of the flight simulators at Starfighter Command. One, slightly taller and seemingly older than the other, yanks his helmet off and walks up to the other, making his way slowly and dejectedly down the ladder.

"That's ten bucks you owe me!" he crows, grinning smugly.

A helmeted face looks down at him, but the scowl behind it is still palpable. The second one finally reaches the deck and his older companion affectionately swings an arm around his shoulders as they start towards the exit.

"Pretty much painted the horizon with your guts," he remarks.

The second youth sighs inaudibly and his shoulders slump.

"I'm never going to be able to fly like my Dad."

Valin Horn snorts.

"Yeah. I'm never going to be able to fly like _my _ Dad, but I can still make your starfighter pee jet-fuel!"

He chortles to himself.

"You shoulda gone EV, you know."

The helmeted face scowls at him again.

"Why so you could drag me at the end of a tow cable like a bumper streamer?"

Valin bursts into laughter again.

"Hey yeah! Now that you mention it! Thanks for the idea, kid!"

"I hate you."

"Course you do! But then, what else are best friends for?!"

* * *

_*Sitcom theme*_

* * *

It is night on Coruscant. The roof of the Jedi Temple is silent and vacant, devoid of life. Well, almost all life. In a secluded corner, two beings sit surreptitiously huddled. A number of crumpled cans of lomin ale lie littered around them. The two are drunk, and in the midst of a conversation they think is hushed, but is actually not.

"Hey, you know what, man?" Ben Skywalker gestures definitively at his friend.

Valin cocks an eyebrow.

"I hear Incom is designing a new kind of starfighter... and it runs on _water_, man!"

Valin splutters with hysterical laughter.

"Oohoohoohoo! So, wait. You mean then, when I shoot you down in that... your fighter's _really _ going to be takin' a leak!"

The two double up and roll around, gasping for breath.

Suddenly, a square of light shows on the far side of the rooftop. A door is opening. Valin grabs hold of Ben and pulls him back. They huddle together, trying to keep silent and not move, watching carefully.

They gradually make out two figures silhouetted against the light. It has been difficult to make out that there are actually two figures as they are so tightly entwined together. The enmeshed couple stumble and stagger onto the roof, making intermittent gurgling noises as they snog the life out of each other. Ben almost cries out in surprise, his eyes almost popping at the provocative sight in front of him. Valin has to clamp a hand over his mouth to stop him from betraying their presence so all that comes out is a strangled squeak which the couple don't notice. But soon even his eyes grow round as the two lovers wordlessly begin to tear the clothes off each other in an awful hurry! Looks like they're going to have sex right then and there, on the Temple roof... and he and Ben are going to be forced to... _watch!_

The lovers have still not spoken a word, they're both up against a side wall, at it like rutting neks. But finally the woman gives a moan of pleasure and gasps out a name, "Oh... Doran..."

And the man, Doran, also breathes a name in his throes of passion,

"Jysella..."

Valin Horn's jaw drops, his mind goes blank, and a boiling rage begins to churn in the pit of his stomach.

Jedi Knight Doran Sarkin-Tainer is is about to give it to _**his sister **_ and fellow Jedi Knight, Jysella Horn right here on the Jedi Temple rooftop!

Ben is frozen in place, his jaw hanging limply open. He cannot seem to tear himself away from the sight before them but doesn't seem to have registered the names of the two lovers and what that might mean for his companion. Suddenly, startling the life out of him, Valin leaps to his feet with a roar of rage and rushes toward the lovers. They spring apart with a scream, rifling for their clothes.

"GET AWAY FROM MY KRIFFING **SISTER** YOU KRIFFING BASTARD!"

"VALIN!"Jysella screams, trying in vain to cover her nakedness, "What- what the kriff are _you _ doing here?!"

"Oh, nothing, 'Sella," Valin growls, seething, "Just about to bash the pulp out of your randy boyfriend here!"

Doran is dumbstruck and frozen at the sight of Valin advancing threateningly on him.

All of a sudden, seeing things about to escalate, Ben decides to step in.

"Hey, hey, hold it you guys!"

"Ben!" Jysella blushes even deeper.

Ben stops in his attempts to pacify the other two and totally checks her out, giving her a smarmy lop-sided grin.

"Hey, 'Sella, how you doin'?!"

Jysella rolls her eyes.

"Shouldn't you be stopping the other two nerf-herders from spilling blood over me?"

Ben recoils.

"Oh...yeah. Right. Hey, Val! Hold it! Val!"

Valin has laid out Doran with a roundhouse punch to the jaw and he's now sprawled, unconscious on the rooftop. Valin dusts off his hands on his pants as Ben rushes up to him.

"Oh man! We're gonna get in so much trouble for this! You _totalled _ him, man!"

Valin gives an Anakin-like glare.

"He was doing it with my sister!"

Ben shrugs.

"Your sister's kinda hot."

Valin turns the glare on him.

"Chill, man. She's still _waaay _ too old for me!" Ben snorts.

Behind them Jysella's mouth drops open in silent protest.

Ben and the Horn siblings have dropped off Doran on a bench in front of the Temple infirmary so that Master Cilghal will find him when she comes to open up in the morning. They're on their way out, brother and sister (now fully clothed, though a bit dishevelled) still fuming at each other.

"Do you _mind _ not sleeping around with Jedi in kriffing _public _, Jys?! I mean, it's kriffin' embarrassing!"

"You're such a nerf, Valin! Doran and I are _dating! _ And you can't tell me who I should or shouldn't be sleeping with! I don't have to listen to you! And it wasn't _public! _ What were you and Ben doing on the roof that late at night anyway?"

Her eyes narrow with suspicion.

Valin continues to glower.

"I'm your big brother. It's my job to be watching out for you!"

"You're still avoiding the question, big brother. You want Daddy to hear about this?"

Valin stops in his tracks and turns to his sister with a mirthless smile, arms crossed across his chest.

"Oh but this is one thing you won't be running to Daddy about, now, will you?"

Jysella glares bloody murder at him but then huffs and stalks off.

Ben turns to his older friend, real fear in his eyes.

"Dude! If she rats to your dad, my dad is gonna be next to know, and then I'm _toast, _ man!"

Valin is still looking on in the wake of his sister's exit.

"She won't, don't worry. And I've just got the best idea about how to get back at Randy Tainer, too."

He looks down at Ben, a strange glitter in his eyes.

"And you're gonna be my wingman!"

* * *

Ben Skywalker flexes his shoulders and tests his breath before he walks into the little cafe across the street from the Temple alongside his partner in crime, both deliberately dressed to be casually dashing. At one of the corner tables, chatting and laughing over cups of aromatic caf are their two potential targets for the evening, Jedi Knights Seha Dorvald and Jesmin Tainer.

"These seats taken?"

The two young women are surprised by the statement coming from the two new entrants. They look up into a pair of handsome sparkling smiles.

"Uh...no."

"Mind if we join you then?"

They exchange an uncomfortable look.

"Umm... sure, go ahead."

"So... can we take this party someplace else?"

Jesmin and Seha exchange another puzzled glance.

"Hold on a second, Horn. Are you trying to... pick us up?"

Jesmin is incredulous.

Valin holds her gaze frankly.

"Yes. Out of this den of the staid and uncool and to someplace a little more happening."

He begins to wiggle his bottom in his seat in tune to some unheard music.

Jesmin sits back with pursed lips.

"I believe I have better things to do than go dancing with you, Horn."

Valin affects nonchalance.

"Didn't say you hadn't, Tainer, but think about it. It's Saturday night! You could do far worse than a dashing guy like me."

Jesmin snorts.

"I doubt it!"

He leans forward.

"Haven't seen you hitting the parties like you used to, Tainer. What's the matter? Getting..._old?_"

Jesmin stands up abruptly.

"All right, that's it! C'mon, Horn. You want to play this game with me? I'll show you how it's _done!_"

She stalks out without even waiting for him. Valin smirks.

All this time, Ben has been staring at Seha with unabashed wonder, hardly able to believe his luck. She's been getting creeped out and has been doing her best to avoid him.

As Jesmin leaves, she stands up hurriedly and follows her friend. Ben trails behind.

"Hey, Jes! You can't abandon me to the _kid!_"

Jesmin gives Ben a derogatory glance and shrugs.

"Get rid of him. Shouldn't be too hard."

Ben approaches Seha shyly.

"Hey, Seha."

"Oh, uh... hey, Ben."

"So... uh... you wanna go someplace?"

Seha turns around to face him with a sugary smile.

"Yeah. Home. I'm sorry, Ben, but I don't think it's even _legal _ to take you where they're going. I'll see you later, ok?"

She flashes him a wave and skips off. Ben is dejected. Valin pats him on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, bro. We'll get her next time. But right now, I've got some revenge I think I'm going to enjoy!"

* * *

The next time Ben sees him is when he's passing Cilghal's infirmary the next morning. Valin steps out with a bacta patch on his forehead, holding a pack of ice to a badly bruised black eye. He grins when he sees Ben gaping at him.

"Whoa! Which Wookiee did _you _ escape from?" the younger man asks, alarmed.

"Oh nothing" Valin remarks, stretching bravely, "Just gave our ol' Randy a taste of his own medicine last night."

Ben narrows his eyes.

"Wait. So you... and _Jesmin?!_"

Valin smirks broadly, then winces in pain.

"Yep. All night! Knew all I had to do was get her drunk. After that, ladies can't resist me!"

Ben crosses his arms across his chest and nods at him.

"So when'd you get the shiner?"

Valin shrugs it off nonchalantly.

"This morning. I made sure Randy caught me sneaking out of her room."

Ben rolls his eyes.

"You sure have a way with people!"

Valin drapes an arm around his shoulders.

"Just be grateful you don't have a sister, kid."

Ben raises his eyes to the heavens.

"Amen," he pronounces, solemnly.


	3. Episode II: The Double Date

_**[Presenting Episode II! Many thanks go to GravityNeko for inspiration and beta-ing. This is basically a spin-off on her fic, "After Her". Enjoy and review!]**_

"No."

"What? Atleast meet her!"

"I'd rather not."

"But it'd be so _good _ for you, Luke! Please? Just listen to me this once!"

"I said no, Leia!"

"Caf. I know this perfect little place. I'll let her know."

"Leia."

"Friday? At 5?"

"No."

"Great. I'll comm you."

* * *

_*Sitcom theme*_

* * *

Luke Skywalker hangs up with a sigh and sees his son smirk at him from the couch.

"Aunt Leia trying to set you up again?"

He grimaces.

"You know I love your aunt, but I swear on my mother's grave, Ben, sometimes I feel like what she needs is a good Force-choke."

"Don't worry, Dad. Nowadays she's gotten on my case too."

Luke raises his eyebrows.

"Oh?"

Ben straightens up and assumes an exaggerated expression of hauteur.

"I notice you're still not seeing anybody, my dear. Come, let me set you up with some simpering wench. Nothing like a good date to cure your hormonal imbalance."

Luke snorts in a completely unbefitting way for a Jedi Grandmaster. Ben rolls his eyes.

"No kidding, Dad. She actually got me one!"

Luke pats his knee sympathetically.

"Good luck wangling your way out of that one, son!"

* * *

It is Friday afternoon and Ben Skywalker is impeccably dressed and waiting at a reserved table. A slight shadow flits across his field of vision and he turns and immediately does a double take.

_Dad?! Has he followed him here? Since when has he started snooping around his dates?!_

His father has apparently not noticed him as he makes his way to the cafe counter.

Ben mutters a Corellian oath learnt from his uncle and gets to his feet.

* * *

"Dad!"

"Ben?"

Luke seems genuinely puzzled to see him. Ben glares.

"What are you _doing _ here?!"

"I might ask you the same thing!"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm here on a _date!_ So if you're grabbing your afternoon pick-me-up, could you please make it quick and make it to go?"

Luke swallows.

"Uh. Actually... I'm kinda here on a date too..."

Ben blinks a couple of times and then, ever so slowly, his jaw drops open.

"Wait- What?! You mean-? The one Aunt Leia set you up on?! But I thought you put your foot down!"

Luke runs a finger round the edge of his collar.

"Yeah...um...about that..."

Ben groans very audibly.

"Oh no. No no no no no. Dad! There is no way in all nine Corellian hells I'm having my date in the same place you're having yours! This is _waaaay _ too weird."

"Agreed!"

"And Aunt Leia gave us both the same time and place? I think underneath it all, she's a very evil old lady!"

"I might just tell your aunt you said that."

"Oh please! You wouldn't dare! You know you're thinking it too!"

Ben turns around, casting his gaze over the rest of the rather large cafe, then suddenly stiffens.

"Uh... Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the name of your date?"

"Melinda Rotham."

"Is that so?"

All of a sudden, a heavy weight descends into Ben's stomach and he starts to have a bad feeling about this.

Luke frowns at him.

"Why?"

He turns to follow his son's gaze and finds them fixed on two new entrants into the cafe. They appear to be a mother and her daughter, the elder lady tastefully dressed in a pencil skirt while the attractive daughter is wearing a summer dress in light pastel.

"Oh I think that's her."

Ben nods very slowly, still not shifting his gaze.

Luke regards him curiously.

"What's the matter?"

"You see the girl she's with?"

"Her daughter, I presume."

"Yeah... that's _my _ date."

This time it is Luke's turn to blanch.

"Damn you, Leia!"

Ben nods absent-mindedly, but then abruptly stands up.

"Ok. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take her home. And Dad?"

Luke looked up at him.

"I'll comm you. Don't, and I mean **don't ** come home before that!"

And before Luke can respond, he's gone.

_**[A/N: Ben's age is flexible in this one, but I'd peg him in his early twenties.]**_


	4. Episode III: Grandmama

_**A/N: This is one of those instances where a canonically dead character is brought back inexplicably to life simply for humorous effect. So suspend your disbelief, dear readers, and enjoy!**_

This time Mara is finally able to catch her son as he makes his fifth pass around the living room in nothing but a towel, pretending to be the _Millennium Falcon _ and leaving wet footprints on the bed linen.

"Ben!" she hisses at him, her voice coming out harsher than she had intended.

"You know your grandmother's coming for dinner tonight and I need you on your best behaviour! Now hold still so I can dry your hair."

"But Mom!"

Mara clamps down on her wriggling son harder and towels his red-gold mop. He scowls darkly as she pulls the towel away, but Mara just grins with an evil twinkle in her eye.

"Did you think that was the worst part, honey? You're going to have to wear the outfit she got you for your last birthday too!"

* * *

_*Sitcom theme*_

* * *

Mara is nervously setting things just perfectly in the living room when she hears Leia and Padme's voices coming down the hall. Both seem serious.

"Luke!" she calls, "They're here."

Luke Skywalker comes out of one of the inner rooms, a pleased expression on his face. Mara dashes off a look at him, full of apprehension, while she continues to bustle around the room.

"They're early! Is my dress alright? How do I look?"

Luke has never seen her this anxious about anything before. He chuckles softly.

"Is my mother the only person in the universe you actually fear, Mara Jade?"

Mara gives him a dark look.

"Her hauteur is terrifying for ordinary mortals, Skywalker. And it's your turn to go hunting for our son."

She sighs.

"I just gave him a bath. He better not have created a mess already!"

She runs a hand through her hair, setting it for the final time then pastes a smile on her face and prepares to receive.

* * *

The family is gathered at the dinner table: Padme, Luke, Leia, Han, Mara and Ben. The Solo children are all off on a Jedi mission. Padme has been leading the family in a moment of silent grace before the meal, but Han and Ben are secretly involved in a shootout with their hands beneath the table. Ben can't help letting out a squeal of laughter when Han pokes him sharply in the ribs.

Instantly, Padme's eyes fly open and she pierces her young grandson with a stare.

"I'm sorry, young man, but I wasn't aware that a solemn moment of grace was quite so funny."

Ben scowls, but tries to hide it by bending his head.

"Sorry, Grandmama."

Padme is not fooled. She clears her throat pointedly.

"Come sit beside Grandmama, Ben."

Luke gives his son an exasperated look and vacates his seat beside his mother.

"Come on, buddy. You heard your grandmother."

Ben gives Han a beseeching look, but Han is only able to shrug helplessly. Reluctantly, he slides off his chair and makes his way, dragging his feet to his father.

"Don't think I don't know that it's you teaching the boy all of his bad habits, Solo."

Han gives her a patently fake smile.

"Of course, Your Worshipfulness!"

Padme glares at him over the bridge of her nose.

Ben pulls out his dad's chair, scraping it against the floor, then clambers on to it.

His grandmother flicks her gaze over him once more.

"Sit up straight, dear. Slouching is terrible for your posture."

She turns back to her plate and Ben dares stick his tongue out at her when she's not looking.

* * *

"So Mara? Now that Jaina and Anakin are well into their Jedi Knighthoods, have you thought about taking a new apprentice?"

Mara, a spoonful of dessert in her mouth, hastily attempts to answer, but splutters with her mouth full. She dabs at it with a napkin, turning red with embarrassment. Ben smirks cheekily at her from across the table and gets a sharp glare from his mother.

"No, ma'am, not yet."

"Well, I think you should."

"Uh... I'm getting more involved with the work of the Jedi Council these days and helping Luke run the Temple Academy. Doesn't really leave me a lot of time to train an apprentice of my own... "

Her only answer is a slightly disdainful sniff, as though these aren't sufficient excuses enough.

Mara flounders for a bit.

"And Ben is still so small. I try to spend the rest of my time with him..."

"Mom? Will you teach me how to shoot with a real blaster at the shooting range next week like you promised?"

Mara gazes reproachfully at her young son, her heart sinking.

Right on cue, Padme turns to her with a horrified expression.

"_Real _ blaster?! Do you mean to say you've already started him on a training weapon?!"

Mara wilts beneath the look of regal outrage until Luke comes to her rescue.

"Well, he's already started with the training lightsabers in the Temple, Mother. And we felt he should learn how to operate a blaster too, you know, just in case."

On the other side of the table, Han snickers. Padme chooses to ignore him, this once.

"But he's too _young_, Luke!"

Ben pipes up again.

"No I'm not! Uncle Han is already showing me how to fly the Falcon! And I can almost reach the controls now... if I sit on his lap."

He trails away a little regretfully.

This time Padme impales Han with a piercing stare.

"So you still have that..._ thing _ you call a ship?"

Han's exuberance is almost completely contrived.

"That's right, Your Worshipfulness."

"Haven't found a buyer for it yet?"

"Nope, Your Worshipfulness."

"Are you even planning to sell it?"

"Nope, Your Worshipfulness."

"It's worthless by now! You do realize how impractical it is as a family's mode of transport, don't you?"

"Nope, Your Worshipfulness."

"Are you _ever _ going to listen to a thing I say, Solo?"

"Nope, Your Worshipfulness."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Nope, Your Worshipfulness"!

* * *

Later, Mara is only too glad for a breather and slips off to the balcony for a quiet drink alone. It is not to be.

"Oh Mara?"

Her shoulders slump and she mutters a few nasty oaths below her breath, but turns back and heads inside anyway.

Padme and Leia are poring over a datapad together while Luke and Han are idly chatting over their drinks in the corner and keeping an eye on Ben.

"Mara, dear, come here and give us your opinion on this."

Mara goes over to look.

"Mother thinks I should wear this gown to the Senate opening dinner this year. But I like this one better. What do you think?"

Mara looks on as Leia rapidly scrolls across a series of dress displays, which to her novice eyes all look extremely alike.

"Uhhh... how about that one?"

"Oh no, dear. I think that dress would be completely unflattering for someone with Leia's figure."

Mara attempts to recover.

"Oh. Well then, how about this one?"

"Mmmm. But the shoes you picked wouldn't go at all with this, would it, Leia?"

Mara feels a dull throbbing begin somewhere between her eyebrows. As a last ditch effort, she selects the one she finds the most hideous.

"_This _ one?"

Padme brightens.

"Well now. That's not bad at all! Good choice, Mara! Leia, it's decided. This is the gown you're wearing to the dinner."

"Yes, Mother."

Resignedly Mara shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

* * *

"Alright buddy, that's enough. Time for bed."

"But Daddy! I don' wanna go to bed!"

"Ben-"

"I'll take it from here, Farmboy."

Mara is only too glad for an excuse to escape the party.

"If only to get away from your mother!" she whispers for his ears only.

Luke tries in vain to smother his smile.

"I heard that!" Ben interjects.

His mother grasps him firmly by the arm and hauls him to his feeet, twisting his ear playfully.

"You've been enough of a sensationalist tonight, fella. You heard your father. Bed! On the double!"

Ben is frog-marched to his bedroom by his mother, protesting all the way.

As he's finally dumped unceremoniously on his bed and stripped for his pajamas, he manages to ask as innocently as possible,

"Mommy? Will you be like Grandmama when _you _ grow up?"

Mara's eyes go wide.

"_Me?! _ Oh Ben! Are you making me a grandmother so soon?!"

That's when she notices the mischievous twinkle in her son's eye and exacts revenge, pummelling and tickling him into bed, listening to him squeal and laugh, laughing alongwith him herself until they both collapse from exhaustion.  
Then she watches as her little boy sleepily curls up into her and drifts off to sleep with his thumb in his mouth and she remains awake only for a few moments after that, stroking his hair and staring at his angelic face until she too wraps herself around him and closes her eyes.

* * *

Neither of them know that later it is Padme who comes by and witnesses the scene, wearing the most tender smile on her face as she turns out the light.


End file.
